By: Carmen Gagnon
There are moments in life when you think all is going as planned There are moments in life when you think all is going as planned and then…
You have things under control. Then you wake up and realize it is an illusion—one carefully crafted by none other than us, you, me. It can be our jobs or businesses, home life, relationships, the way we see ourselves, spirituality, the very meaning of life. We have written a story we are living out. It is full of everything we imagine. It is what we imagine. When the story is exposed, the fraud uncovered, we have a choice. We can rail against the unfairness, look for someone to blame, fight and try to get it back, or we can accept and start the process of learning and rebuilding.
For me, all of my carefully designed boxes I called life were blown away, leaving me with no defenses. No story to hide in. I screamed, but I planned better than this. I asked, I sacrificed, I did what I was supposed to. I was a good person. I helped everyone around me. I believed in positive things. I loved. I forgave. What did I miss? How did this happen? I felt all my dreams and future vanished. I did not want to breathe. I was brought to my knees. I wanted a dark hole to swallow me so I would simply stop existing. It was too painful to just live. It was the worst and best moment in my life.
What I thought was lost—my things, security, love, family, future, my identity—were not lost at all. What was really lost was me. I had lost me. How can that be? But I did not know me. Did I ever really? I discovered I had lived for those around me. To identify who I was, my meaning, my value, my story was born. The paradigms I had designed and filled with words and meanings were now drifting like ash in the wind. Striped bare, raw, hurting, bleeding from my very core. I stood and looked down a path that I could not see the end of. I just stood. I knew this was going to be the best adventure of my life. What was before had been good. But this was going to be epic. Not knowing how to begin, where this would lead, I took my first step.
I hope in sharing my discoveries and insights I’ve inspired, encouraged and empowered you. You are not alone, nor are you the first or the last to take this journey. No matter what your life looks like or where you are, you can take this journey right now. You can find and connect with you again.
My first awareness was looking at myself in the mirror and evaluating. Who was I? I had not aged too poorly. My scars were not showing on the outside. No beauty queen, but a nice smile and kind eyes. I was not where I wanted to be with my weight—not even close. I had rolls, many layers of hurt that had deposited on my belly, hips, and thighs. Burdens for others I have been carrying around. Under my eyes were dark circles from crying and a weariness. Can I do this alone?
I heard a voice from within, “I am here and I will help you.” I looked around and thought I was going crazy. Okay, add this to the list. I need to go check in and admit I am hearing voices. Then I realized it was not from my head I was hearing, knowing, a new voice from a deep place that had been opened with the sobbing and brokenness. The voice again, “This is a new day and you have everything you need within. Start the journey knowing this. Write down what you hear from this place and take one step at a time. I am here and will not leave you. I am your inner goddess.”
My perception of what a goddess looked like was certainly not what I saw looking back at me. They were beautiful, thin, superpower beings. Then I started studying what goddesses are really about. They are the energies that represent every part of our womanhood. The beautiful, the strong, the wise, the funny, the insecure, the silly, the vulgar and mean. The seductress, manipulators and downright meanies. They also come in all shapes and sizes. They are us. Just the single strand being pulled and magnified. But when you put them all together, like us, a little of this and a little of that, it creates an intricate tapestry that is what it is to be a woman. There are no teachings in modern times to show us how to embrace and really be a goddess. To be the strength of Athena with the softness of… To have the humor or… To understand that we are Maiden, Mother and Crone. We are it all.
I now can stand tall and look in the mirror and what I see is an amazing, strong goddess who has accepted that what was is no longer, and it is good. What I am creating now is an opportunity to be an example to others who have lost themselves and maybe their way. They are awakening to ask, “Is this all there is?” I want to be the light in their darkness and the hand to guide them back to their voice and their inner goddess. This is where you will find your answers.
For more information on Carmen or her hgealing sessions contact her at: Carmen Gagnon 314-276-7772, clgagnon1@yahoo.com
Healingoasisllc.com.