By: Steve Trill
Having moved from upstate New York to beautiful Charleston, South Carolina, 12 years ago, I quickly discovered one of the most significant differences between the two states: the critter population. Saying that Charleston has a bug problem is like saying the surface of the sun MIGHT be warm to the touch. After bumping off several thousand palmetto bugs, it wasn’t long before I acquired some new skills and discovered that there truly is an art to killing bugs.
As any man will testify, there are certain levels of mastery involved when killing bugs in order to protect our families. My flip-flops must have flattened dozens of wolf spiders before I ran across this one particular spider that looked somewhat unusual. As a novice, I did not hesitate to grab my trusty flop and assume I could end this fiasco with one quick swat. In a fraction of a second one spider shattered into hundreds—at least that’s how it looked from my perspective. What made this spider look so unusual was that she was carrying her offspring on her back. Since then I have learned to pay closer attention to the anatomy of my foes, and I have also expanded my arsenal. I firmly believe we men should have been enlightened in our youth about our future responsibilities. That is, how to prepare for and properly fight these creatures with six, eight or even 100 legs.
Similar to nuclear and/or aerospace engineering, one acquires the proper methods, plans and procedures involved for confronting a creature a mere fraction of our human size that does not hesitate to fight back and inflict serious pain. Early in life, each young man should be shown the tools of the trade: shoes and not hammers, thick shop cloth and not wispy tissue. However, countless hours of “Star Trek” episodes could never prepare us for those teleporting bugs. These are the vermin that we claim we eliminated. In actuality, we never did see where they disappeared to after our failed attempts, only to find them snuggling next to us as we crawl into bed.
As there are different degrees of colored belts in karate, your mate should also adorn similar badges of honor in order to be able to proudly show them off to his comrades. Seasoned mercenary, hit man or workplace warrior. Amongst our circle of friends, the method makes the man. Whether he chooses long-distance projectiles of sprays or up-close-and-personal hand-to-legs combat, there is always the backfire due to poor planning.
Ladies, keep in mind that whenever you ask your man to step to the plate, it is not cool to digitally record our actions in any way. This is to prevent other men from obtaining our secret moves. Besides, who wants to repeatedly watch someone kicking and flailing about trying to get a spider off his head (not that I’m speaking from experience), though you could re-watch his acts of bravado if you ever find yourself wondering what you would do without him. So, if you enjoy that your home is not considered a five-star palmetto bug palace or the trendiest tarantula B&B, you need to make time today to thank your husband for all that he does. Thank you for making the man in your life feel needed and much like a superhero.
Steve Trill was born in upstate New York and has called South Carolina home since 2004. Steve enjoys writing and photography while working side by side with his wife, Kathy, at Palmetto Health and Wellness, LLC and Palmetto Kids Cooking. You can see some of his artistic talent by visiting his Instagram and Facebook pages under the name, Trillographi.