By: C. Michelle Byant
Hate is such a harsh word and I never allowed my children to use it. I “dislike” many things: okra, beets, people who hurt children to name a few but I “hate” only two: mornings and exercise. See, I’m not a morning person and I’m not in shape. Yet, somehow this morning I managed to get both feet onto the floor, stand erect and get dressed for a workout. What was I thinking?? I was still half asleep so of course, I wasn’t thinking at all. But as I was driving to the place to meet my friend I noticed that the sun was so beautiful as it rose and I DID truly love watching the day ‘wake up.’ God seemed so present at that particular time of day. My thoughts drifted to my determination to make this a permanent goal – THIS TIME! Because if I don’t my clothes are still never going to fit the way I want them to, I’m never going to be as happy as I could be, want to be or better yet, deserve to be and most of all, I feel so old.
See, I’m officially in my mid-fifties, have already attended my thirty-year high school reunion several years ago (UGH!! Talk about old) and have grandchildren. I am simply trying to live the rest of my days better than the past of my days! But then I start to think, well, old isn’t THAT bad when you really think about it – grandkids, retirement, gardening, shopping, travel and having someone beside you who’s also growing old – how lovely. Having been divorced and started over, I’ve thought about life in general a lot, so it seemed appropriate my mind would take another rabbit trail on that road about growing old..alone. I mean I’ve eaten many meals alone: done the microwaved meals for one, cereal for dinner, or just not eating at all. As if eventual loneliness wasn’t bad enough, my thoughts added getting old on top of that. So, dreading the morning, the walking on uneven ground, just the thought of a walk on these osteoarthritic knees makes me want to stay in my nice comfy bed but I have been trying to psyche myself up for greatness. Will I make it? I don’t know. All I know is that I have decided to take it one day at a time, to change my ‘lifestyle.’
My mind drifts back to this morning, to “what was I thinking? Here I am headed to walk again” when after a grueling walk the night before, I somehow managed to muster out of bed the next day and endure even more torment… before 8:15 am (must’ve been that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” motivation). And I asked myself, “Where did that strength come from through my aches and pain?” I literally felt like I had been run over, backed over and run over again. I mean I had places that hurt that I didn’t even know existed on my body and I told myself “I am NOT getting out of this bed.” Yet another little voice told me, “but you
want to look pretty for your grandsons, you want to be healthy.” And so, like a groaning, eighty-year old lady I sat up, put one foot on the floor and then the other and before I knew it I was standing. Once standing, I had to go to the bathroom and that was that. I got dressed and was out the door.
Although I moaned (literally and loudly) and totally complained the entire walk, I was glad to have it done at the beginning of my day. And when I finished, hot, sweaty and exhausted, I remembered the most profound thing an old instructor once said to mi. She said, “When you are obedient to what God wants for you He provides the necessary stuff you need to get you through it.”
And I thought, God has provided me with so many desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4) in my fifty five years why should I not expect that I could not get this one also? But it’s up to me to see it, to be it, to embrace it, to go for it! I’m sure I’m going to have so many “what if” questions or doubts running through my mind, so many times I’ll want to stay in bed or say I’ll exercise “on my own later” but I know if I can just put one foot on the floor and then bring the other one there also and make myself stand up…I will be given the “strength necessary to get through each and every day..one day at a time. This desire combined with divine strength should over rule that voice that talks me into staying in bed or perhaps you into eating an entire bag of Oreos.
I have people to help motivate me, walk with me and hold me accountable. It used to be as I walk all I used to see was that awful, chunky, hurting person staring back at me in the mirror. Today I’m trying to think differently this time and maybe I’ll make it. I don’t know. I hope so. Maybe not in six months or a year but day by day.
I’ve always had a goal and could do anything for a week or two but today, the sun rises on a new day and I feel more confident. And I know it’s not about the way my clothes fit or the way I look or even about being accepted, fat, and happy it’s a way of being grateful for another day (even when I didn’t deserve it) and if I happen to look drop dead hot at sixty years old well that’s just another blessing.