By: Alesa Arnett – San Antonio Texas
We have all faced an unexpected challenge that left us to ponder new paths set before us, struggling to decide which to take. I was ‘gifted’ with one of those challenges in 2018 at age 55; my Mom suffered a severe stroke. This ‘SHIFTed’ everything as I knew it. An excited Entrepreneur, I had spent the past year creating a fitness business with my family and we were ready to open. My Mom and I had talked about ‘what would happen’ scenarios and as her only child, I knew that I would need to be there for her. Though her affairs were greatly in order, a ‘what would happen’ scenario was happening. Our business dream was on hold.
I became my Mom’s strongest advocate for proper care as she recovered. I was with her daily, sometimes twice… assertive and kindly demanding as necessary. She was ready to go home after three months. As a family we chose to clean out her apartment and move her into our home. I became her full-time caregiver. My family was so supportive, but after a month of caring for what I fondly refer to as an adult infant, I was exhausted. Through good times and bad she recovered greatly with in-home rehabilitation. BUT…I became depressed. I didn’t spend much time on self-care and each member of the family lost much privacy. Being with my mother 24/7 was simply not working. I struggled with many feelings; was I supposed to dedicate my life to my Mom’s, or was it OK for her to be in a facility, where we could visit and regain our separate lives? After all, she may be on this earth longer than I am! I joined Facebook Groups, researched all things ‘caregiver’, learned about legal aspects, etc. We finally hired a caregiver and tried daycare. I took advantage of the 12-15 hours a week to work out, do errands or clean my house, however, and at the 4 month mark I decided it was not working; I was losing myself, and though I tried so hard to keep my mom from falling, I was stifling her progress. She deserved a different setting for maximum recovery.
Please: accept that you do NOT have to be doing any specific thing at any specific time.
You MUST learn to go with the flow! I’ve learned that sometimes, we need to just be.
Once I accepted it was OK to quit full-time caregiving, another SHIFT occurred! We found a wonderful Assisted Living facility. Mom’s happy, thriving and cared for. We enjoy each other’s company more. I still manage her assets to ensure her needs are met.
So, in with the new! I’m waiting for a new path to reveal itself. My husband tells me “don’t worry! Do what you want to for a while!” I remind myself of my military retirement, which allows me freedom to find where I now might ‘fit in’. For now, I’ll enjoy my coffee and watch Netflix with my cat.
Alesa is living the best life ever in San Antonio with her husband and daughter Rhiannon. Daughter Vanessa / grandsons are near California and US Marine-son Cody is near San Diego.